A bit of insight to me

How to start this post... I've been sitting here trying to figure out how to start this. I've been wanting to write this and get it out for a while. I guess the best way to start is...

My name is Kristin, and I've been dealing with depression. I really don't think that it is Post Partum Depression, even though I finally got to my breaking point where I got myself help after having Austin. I'm pretty sure I've been fighting the internal battle for years. While packing up our house I came across my diary from back in College. There were some things I wrote in there that I was feeling before I went to my dr. It was then that I realized that I have been fighting with Depression for years.

I have been doing much better, suprisingly much better then I expected. I honestly thought that this move to Alberta would have affected me much more. I have been feeling ok. I've been trying to take my medications every day, but honestly I haven't been remembering. I've still been ok.... Mostly. One day last week kicked my ass. I felt very down and didn't have any oomph or fight in me. Austin was lacking a nap and was cranky and I got really upset with him. He didn't do it on purpose but I felt like he was being cranky to get to me. I yelled, and to be honest, I wasn't proud. I told my husband and cried. I felt like a giant jerk. Thankfully those days have been further and further apart since starting my medication but that doesn't make it any easier when they do happen. I just want to crawl into bed and avoid everyone because I know that I get upset and say things I don't mean. But I soldier on.

Through all of this though have been 2 major people of support. My husband Dave and my friend Devon. When I would get frustrated and upset and told Devon about my feelings she was the one who talked to me about Depression and pushed me to talk to my dr. She was there for me every step of the way. She also knew that I was pretty likely to back out of my appt so she drove me (and bribed me with ice cream after :p) and made sure I was ok with everything. With my husband being gone I did turn to Devon quite a bit and she helped me a lot. More then I could even begin to explain.

My husband has been amazing as well. There have been so many times before and when I was first starting my medication that I would just fall apart and cry. My husband would sit beside me on the floor giving me kleenex and just be there. I would be a bubbling random "I don't know why i'm crying" mess and he would just sit and be there for me. I knew that we wouldn't be able to live apart anymore. He is a huge support for me and him not being there and me being alone with Austin was just too much for me. With him being gone for the past 16 months we definately had some issues that caused strain on our marriage. I knew we couldn't continue like that.

It definitely is a shock being in a new province, city, and even house without any friends, family or the other half of my support system but this is what needed to be done. It's also been great to have my husband here with me for the past few months, but on the other hand it's very stressful to be worrying about jobs and money. I don't even want to get into the stress from this house. My big 'dream' when planning our move was being able to re-decorate. My house is Taupe. A light taupe and a slightly darker taupe. I am itching to paint and decorate. But I can't. We pretty much need to take all the walls down to re-insulate. I have frost and ice on the INSIDE of my bedroom wall. Our roof leaked this week so the extension needs to be re-roofed, and hey, while we're at it we may as well put some heat in there, because that's right. there is none. No vents, nothing. So... no re-decorating for me until the warmer weather is here and we have some money.

Most of this post has been written bit by bit. I will admit that now I am starting to get worse. I am crying more for no reason, and I have also been making sure to take my pills everyday. I am worried and stressed. I'm not working and as much as I would love to get a job (believe me, I've been applying) I can't just go and apply at the local fast food restaurant. With Dave home that is fine, I can work whatever. But what happens if he gets a camp job and is gone for a few months? We don't have anyone here who can watch Austin during the evenings or on weekends when daycares are closed. Not too many places want to hire someone with such limited availability. As it is he is gone to Fort Mac for work. If I was working and had to work this weekend, where would I be? It was stressful enough to arrange care for Austin with 3 sets of parents and many willing family members close by. Not having anyone here, well, I really don't think I could do it.

I just need to focus on the bright side of things and know that I have people who love and care for me. I have a roof over my head and a furnace that graciously runs non stop to keep us from freezing to death in our house. (I won't say keeps the house hot, because most days you need a sweater in here.) I have the most adorable little boy who is a little mischief maker but melts your heart and makes you giggle while he's at it. I have my husband who knows when to give me my space and just listen to me cry, or let me yell and be cranky at him. I just need to remember all these things and try to keep my head above the water. I'm hoping anyone who reads this will help me remember that.

My name is Kristin and I am dealing with depression. I am trying to kick it's ass before it kicks mine. Thanks for listening.