A smile

Who knew something so small could make a smile so big.

I'll admit, I've been in a funk the last little bit. I've started to wonder if my anti depressants are even working right now because I have felt sad and depressed for the past few weeks. I just tell myself that it's just the end of pregnancy and I will be better soon. At least I'm hoping. But anyways, I've been in a funk. Yesterday I was going through a bucket of old stuff. I kept the pictures an things I really wanted, tossed the rest but didn't really notice my keep pile.

This morning while eating breakfast the pile was beside me. I looked at the pictures. One of me in my brownie outfit at the age of about 6, the picture of my aunt's wedding where I was a flower girl, my grade 8 school picture, and then this:


My best friend robin and I in highschool. Just looking at this picture made me smile. It made me grin, in fact, I'm sure it pretty much turned my whole day around. Just being carefree and silly with my best friend in the world.

And then this one:


This was us at our school dance in grade 9. It was a black light dance. The date on the folder said February 27th 1998. That is pretty much 14 years ago to the day. So weird. If you had told me 14 years ago I would be living across the country, still friends with robin, and patiently awaiting my 2nd child, I would have called you crazy.

A wonderful Sunday

I had a great day today. I got to hang out with a great friend. She was my Maid of Honor in my wedding. Today we got to immerse ourselves in Wedding again. She is recently engaged and what better way to hang out together then to go to a Bridal Show!! We wandered around and discussed weddings, family, life in general and had a great time. Afterwards we still had the wedding itch and headed to a bridal store where we oohed and ahhed over gowns and dresses. (I'm still in love with the Alfred Angelo Disney Line, specifically Cinderella. So pretty!) She tried some on and let me tell you, she is going to be such a beautiful bride!! I'm so excited to help her plan and do whatever else she needs help with. I'm excited to help her create all her paper goods, like invitations and thank you cards! After all the wedding awesome-ness we picked up Austin and went for an early dinner. It was nice to grab a bite and hang out again. I'm really hoping we can do it again before I leave!!

Getting it off my chest.

People are funny creatures. There are just so many complex things in a human that make them so hard to figure out. I really wish people were see through and you could tell everything about them. Makes it so much easier in the end. Would save so many feelings and stress and frustration. Knowing exactly what kind of person you are dating for example, instead of finding out after 2 or 3 months they are a douchebag. Saves a lot of pain. Or friendship. Knowing where you stood with a friendship. Makes things so much easier.

I guess I should back up a bit. I've debated writing this for a while. My mind goes back and forth, but tonight I decided to write it out.

This all started when I was called a "terrible mother" yup. That's right. By someone who I actually thought was a really really close friend. While I knew it wasnt true it still pissed me off. Who are you to say that my son "deserves to be in a group home instead of with you and Dave" yeah. It went that far. No mother is 100% perfect but come on. When word got around through family and a slight vent on facebook everyone who has ever seen me with my child has assured me that I am not a terrible mother. I know that, and a huge thank you to those who came forward to remind me. My child is happy, well adjusted, and according to random strangers, pretty damn smart. (well, family and myself think that too but sometimes it's better to take a strangers word for it) I make up for the fact that he lives in a 1 parent household 90% of the time. I love my child and from the way he takes 10 steps away from me the turns around and runs back to me with a smile on his face just to give me a huge hug, he loves me too. Nothing anyone can say will change that.

Especially not a so called friend. Someone who I stood up for as my friend when others wrote them off. Someone who also told me I behaved like a child and tried to tear me down for how long. And yet I defended that friend. How stupid was I? Even though I know I am not a Terrible mother to finally know that is what that 'friend' thinks of you, well, it can kind of shatter your world. Someone I trusted, someone I stood by. In a matter of 10 minutes for them to rip you apart and basically not care. For them to throw things in your face ( like that I am morbidly obese and bringing another morbidly obese person into the world, even though my son is perfectly healthy) it makes you mad. Mad about making the choice to let them into your life, to create memories with, to share the down times and even the happy times. I'm mad. I'm mad at myself for being fooled. I should have paid attention earlier. I shouldn't have given you a second chance. But I did and look what happened. You showed your true colors. I was left baffled. Confused at how you can spew out such hateful things. Wondering what the hell is going on in your head. Pissed off that this is what I get for being a friend.

So yes, I do wish everyone was see through and we could know the true person deep inside. I would have loved to know and tried to distance myself. What you said did hurt. It didn't make me doubt my parenting, but it did make me doubt my choices in a friend. And I really want to stand on a rooftop and yell out to everyone what you did and who you are. Not to get close to you because this is how you treat your friends. Tell everyone to not sugar coating things to you and tell you straight up, because lord knows there was no sugarcoating your spewing of all those hateful things. It's like you are 2 different people and I want to warn them of who you really are. But I dont. I just leave it alone. As much as I want to I don't. I don't take the low road and slander your name. I wish I didn't have morals and a conscience, then I could try to hurt you worse then you hurt me. But I won't. I'll vent here and make details vague. I'll put it down so I can get it out. I'll write down my thoughts and feelings on this subject like I do on other subjects.

Then?

Then I'll move on with my life.

I will continue to be happy. I will continue to live a happy life and take care of my amazing child. I will move forward and make new friends, try to salvage some old. I will do what makes me happy. I will spend time with family and true friends. And even though you try to bring me down by saying I'm morbidly obese I will embrace myself and my image and I will continue to lose weight, like I have been even before this incident.

I am loving my life and not letting anything take me down. If depression isn't doing it I won't let you do it either. I will move on. This whole thing will become a long lost memory. I will be fine. And to my true friends, I can't wait to move on and be happy with a of you.

A bit of insight to me

How to start this post... I've been sitting here trying to figure out how to start this. I've been wanting to write this and get it out for a while. I guess the best way to start is...

My name is Kristin, and I've been dealing with depression. I really don't think that it is Post Partum Depression, even though I finally got to my breaking point where I got myself help after having Austin. I'm pretty sure I've been fighting the internal battle for years. While packing up our house I came across my diary from back in College. There were some things I wrote in there that I was feeling before I went to my dr. It was then that I realized that I have been fighting with Depression for years.

I have been doing much better, suprisingly much better then I expected. I honestly thought that this move to Alberta would have affected me much more. I have been feeling ok. I've been trying to take my medications every day, but honestly I haven't been remembering. I've still been ok.... Mostly. One day last week kicked my ass. I felt very down and didn't have any oomph or fight in me. Austin was lacking a nap and was cranky and I got really upset with him. He didn't do it on purpose but I felt like he was being cranky to get to me. I yelled, and to be honest, I wasn't proud. I told my husband and cried. I felt like a giant jerk. Thankfully those days have been further and further apart since starting my medication but that doesn't make it any easier when they do happen. I just want to crawl into bed and avoid everyone because I know that I get upset and say things I don't mean. But I soldier on.

Through all of this though have been 2 major people of support. My husband Dave and my friend Devon. When I would get frustrated and upset and told Devon about my feelings she was the one who talked to me about Depression and pushed me to talk to my dr. She was there for me every step of the way. She also knew that I was pretty likely to back out of my appt so she drove me (and bribed me with ice cream after :p) and made sure I was ok with everything. With my husband being gone I did turn to Devon quite a bit and she helped me a lot. More then I could even begin to explain.

My husband has been amazing as well. There have been so many times before and when I was first starting my medication that I would just fall apart and cry. My husband would sit beside me on the floor giving me kleenex and just be there. I would be a bubbling random "I don't know why i'm crying" mess and he would just sit and be there for me. I knew that we wouldn't be able to live apart anymore. He is a huge support for me and him not being there and me being alone with Austin was just too much for me. With him being gone for the past 16 months we definately had some issues that caused strain on our marriage. I knew we couldn't continue like that.

It definitely is a shock being in a new province, city, and even house without any friends, family or the other half of my support system but this is what needed to be done. It's also been great to have my husband here with me for the past few months, but on the other hand it's very stressful to be worrying about jobs and money. I don't even want to get into the stress from this house. My big 'dream' when planning our move was being able to re-decorate. My house is Taupe. A light taupe and a slightly darker taupe. I am itching to paint and decorate. But I can't. We pretty much need to take all the walls down to re-insulate. I have frost and ice on the INSIDE of my bedroom wall. Our roof leaked this week so the extension needs to be re-roofed, and hey, while we're at it we may as well put some heat in there, because that's right. there is none. No vents, nothing. So... no re-decorating for me until the warmer weather is here and we have some money.

Most of this post has been written bit by bit. I will admit that now I am starting to get worse. I am crying more for no reason, and I have also been making sure to take my pills everyday. I am worried and stressed. I'm not working and as much as I would love to get a job (believe me, I've been applying) I can't just go and apply at the local fast food restaurant. With Dave home that is fine, I can work whatever. But what happens if he gets a camp job and is gone for a few months? We don't have anyone here who can watch Austin during the evenings or on weekends when daycares are closed. Not too many places want to hire someone with such limited availability. As it is he is gone to Fort Mac for work. If I was working and had to work this weekend, where would I be? It was stressful enough to arrange care for Austin with 3 sets of parents and many willing family members close by. Not having anyone here, well, I really don't think I could do it.

I just need to focus on the bright side of things and know that I have people who love and care for me. I have a roof over my head and a furnace that graciously runs non stop to keep us from freezing to death in our house. (I won't say keeps the house hot, because most days you need a sweater in here.) I have the most adorable little boy who is a little mischief maker but melts your heart and makes you giggle while he's at it. I have my husband who knows when to give me my space and just listen to me cry, or let me yell and be cranky at him. I just need to remember all these things and try to keep my head above the water. I'm hoping anyone who reads this will help me remember that.

My name is Kristin and I am dealing with depression. I am trying to kick it's ass before it kicks mine. Thanks for listening.

The power of the internet.

It's crazy. It really is. The internet will connect you with so many people in so many ways. Ways that you really didn't think was possible. The internet will also show you many different things, things that you stumble upon through a friend of a friend of a friend of a friend and so on. Yes, there are some hilarious things, but the things that stand out most to me are the bonds I create with virtual strangers, and the stories that touch me deep inside.



Sometimes I feel a little silly when I talk about people I have met online. Through Chat boards, through facebook, and most recently through twitter. When you are on a site every day and you are talking with the same people you start to get drawn into their lives and you think about them and only want the best for them. I have been a part of a few chat boards. Last year though there was a huge issue that came up and I lost the support of a board I had been a part of for about 5 years. I have seen these women go through so much and have so many happy moments. There were quite a few I had actually met and became friends with. We talked on a regular basis. I was crushed when I lost them. I don't want to go into the full details here, but some days I still feel sad about this. I still want to know them and still want to cheer them on when there is exciting news and cheer them up when they need it. To this day I don't understand how I could be turned on, and viewed as a monster when I wasn't.



But, I digress, I am on another board as well and there are so many touching stories. Some people just don't seem to understand that I do care about all those strangers out in internet land. I do care and do think about them when I am not talking to them. I hope they get their car fixed, land the promotion they were up for, get the answers they are looking for when they have a sick child, finally enjoy a vacation they have been planning forever.



But back to my original point, I have been connected, most of the times through blogs to so many things that pain my heart and make me want to reach through the computer and hug the authors. So many exciting things as well. These are people that without the internet I probably would know nothing about.



In the past year or so, I have followed a family in the tragic loss of their young daughter to cancer. I follow a father tragically singled immediately following the birth of his daughter and how he coped and tried to be the best parent possible. I have read about a pregnant mother, distraught because her young child passed away from unknown causes when she had done everything she could to keep him safe. Recently I read an extremely sad blog post about a 1 1/2 year old passing away because of a heavy dresser landing on him. I've followed the blog of a couple who were devastated to find that their home had been taken from them by a fire and they slowly had to put the pieces back together. And just these past few days, of an incredibly strong woman I met through Twitter losing her husband so quickly and unexpectedly. Even though there are very few details it is Heartbreaking and something that makes me want to cry at my computer, find her and squish her in hugs and try to take some of her pain away.



The internet is a powerful thing to me, and I feel it brings me so much closer to many people I would never have a chance to know. In the past year I have reached out more on Twitter. I have made a few good friends that I know I could pass hours of time with and it would seem like nothing. These are people that I speak with every day or so and know about their life, and their kids and their frustrations. People that if they were in trouble I would love to be able to help out if I could. People that my husband thinks i'm crazy for when I mention meeting up with them. Yes, I know the world is also full of scary crazy non trusting individuals, but sometimes the people you meet online aren't horrible monsters. They can end up being the best friend you've ever had. Even though you didn't meet them in person doesn't mean they can't mean that much to you. These friendships are important as well and can make a huge difference in your life. We should all hold on tight and make sure to keep these friendships as much as possible.



I want everyone reading this to go and tell an online friend just how much they mean to you. Let them know that you will be there for them if they need you. Reach out to them and make a more meaningful relationship. You just never know where it will lead you. You never know, just saying hi and telling them that you enjoy talking to them might make their day. The internet is full of lots of people who feel like they don't have anyone to relate to other than a group of virtual strangers. So go, tell them how you feel and that you do care.