People are funny creatures. There are just so many complex things in a human that make them so hard to figure out. I really wish people were see through and you could tell everything about them. Makes it so much easier in the end. Would save so many feelings and stress and frustration. Knowing exactly what kind of person you are dating for example, instead of finding out after 2 or 3 months they are a douchebag. Saves a lot of pain. Or friendship. Knowing where you stood with a friendship. Makes things so much easier.
I guess I should back up a bit. I've debated writing this for a while. My mind goes back and forth, but tonight I decided to write it out.
This all started when I was called a "terrible mother" yup. That's right. By someone who I actually thought was a really really close friend. While I knew it wasnt true it still pissed me off. Who are you to say that my son "deserves to be in a group home instead of with you and Dave" yeah. It went that far. No mother is 100% perfect but come on. When word got around through family and a slight vent on facebook everyone who has ever seen me with my child has assured me that I am not a terrible mother. I know that, and a huge thank you to those who came forward to remind me. My child is happy, well adjusted, and according to random strangers, pretty damn smart. (well, family and myself think that too but sometimes it's better to take a strangers word for it) I make up for the fact that he lives in a 1 parent household 90% of the time. I love my child and from the way he takes 10 steps away from me the turns around and runs back to me with a smile on his face just to give me a huge hug, he loves me too. Nothing anyone can say will change that.
Especially not a so called friend. Someone who I stood up for as my friend when others wrote them off. Someone who also told me I behaved like a child and tried to tear me down for how long. And yet I defended that friend. How stupid was I? Even though I know I am not a Terrible mother to finally know that is what that 'friend' thinks of you, well, it can kind of shatter your world. Someone I trusted, someone I stood by. In a matter of 10 minutes for them to rip you apart and basically not care. For them to throw things in your face ( like that I am morbidly obese and bringing another morbidly obese person into the world, even though my son is perfectly healthy) it makes you mad. Mad about making the choice to let them into your life, to create memories with, to share the down times and even the happy times. I'm mad. I'm mad at myself for being fooled. I should have paid attention earlier. I shouldn't have given you a second chance. But I did and look what happened. You showed your true colors. I was left baffled. Confused at how you can spew out such hateful things. Wondering what the hell is going on in your head. Pissed off that this is what I get for being a friend.
So yes, I do wish everyone was see through and we could know the true person deep inside. I would have loved to know and tried to distance myself. What you said did hurt. It didn't make me doubt my parenting, but it did make me doubt my choices in a friend. And I really want to stand on a rooftop and yell out to everyone what you did and who you are. Not to get close to you because this is how you treat your friends. Tell everyone to not sugar coating things to you and tell you straight up, because lord knows there was no sugarcoating your spewing of all those hateful things. It's like you are 2 different people and I want to warn them of who you really are. But I dont. I just leave it alone. As much as I want to I don't. I don't take the low road and slander your name. I wish I didn't have morals and a conscience, then I could try to hurt you worse then you hurt me. But I won't. I'll vent here and make details vague. I'll put it down so I can get it out. I'll write down my thoughts and feelings on this subject like I do on other subjects.
Then?
Then I'll move on with my life.
I will continue to be happy. I will continue to live a happy life and take care of my amazing child. I will move forward and make new friends, try to salvage some old. I will do what makes me happy. I will spend time with family and true friends. And even though you try to bring me down by saying I'm morbidly obese I will embrace myself and my image and I will continue to lose weight, like I have been even before this incident.
I am loving my life and not letting anything take me down. If depression isn't doing it I won't let you do it either. I will move on. This whole thing will become a long lost memory. I will be fine. And to my true friends, I can't wait to move on and be happy with a of you.
Monday, February 28, 2011
Missing
Grey garbage bin.
Aprox 5 ft tall.
Small hole in handle.
Says city of *scratched out* on the lid, state of texas on the side. (Yes, we live in alberta CANADA)
Looks exactly like our fellow 900 neighbours' bins.
No picture available, because who thinks hey I'll take a pic of my garbage bin *just* in case. Although I supposed I could just take a pic of the neighbours.
Yes, someone stole my garbage bin. Not entirely sure why as everyone has been provided one. Not like we have to buy our own and someone thought it would be cheaper just to steal it. I'm a little baffled to say the least. I guess I'm off to the property management in the morning to find out what to do now.
Wednesday, February 23, 2011
Tuesday, February 22, 2011
This month.
I am a pretty tough cookie. I can put up with a lot of crap. I can turn my back and let the shat bounce off my back. I can remain calm during temper tantrums and sass.
I am also extremely thankful to my husband for having the strength to work away from home to provide us things, food, housing, etc.
This is not a post about him not being here. It's about doing my best while he's gone.
Last year as some of you faithful readers may have read last month I finally went to the dr about my depression. Before that, there were definite bad days with Austin and me feeling like crap and I was full of resentment and anger. I would be mad at him for no reason. Then I started taking my meds, my husband was home working and everything seemed fine.
Then he couldn't get a job. We made the decision to move to Alberta. He would go and I would stay, sell the house, tie up the loose ends, try to stay in one piece.
Let me tell you, I was terrified. I was so worried that I would have those bad days again, take it out on Austin, and Dave wouldn't be there to stop me. I didn't realize just how bad I was until I went on my meds and I decided I didn't want to be like that again. With Dave leaving I was afraid. I started to tell family, reaching out for help. Family knowing that if I called in a panic it was ok, I just needed help.
Thankfully, it was ok. We fell into a routine of getting out of the house every day to stop me from going insane. Even if we only got out for an hour, we were out of the house. I was getting better, and even though there were a few sad days thinking ahead to not being around my friends and family, everything was ok. I was more patient with Austin. (Note I'm not saying completely patient, he was almost 2, there are some days you just want to pull your hair out)
Then we moved. I had a plan. I had joined a meetup group. I was going to get out everyday and just try to pass the days until Dave was home again. No problem. Until Dave got laid off. He was home for 2 1/2 months.
He was helping me for 2 1/2 months. cooking, cleaning, sanity saving. When he had a job for the one week I will admit, I was kind of a mess. There were a few days I just brought toys into our bedroom between meals and just laid in bed sad while Austin played on the floor. Dishes piled up. everything was a mess. When Dave did come home, I could tell he was upset with me.
When Dave got another job, I was worried. I didn't want Austin to miss out on fun and getting out of the house. I was worried because for 2 1/2 months I didn't have to do everything on my own. I had help. But now I was all alone again.
Let me tell you. It's been all right. We've been doing amazing. We've had days of lounge around in pj's all day, but we've been playing and tickling and racing cars while in our pj's. Dave gets home tomorrow night. He has been gone for a month. It doesn't seem like a month. We've been doing mall walking at random malls, taking random driving trips around Edmonton, and going to indoor play places.
We have been a-ok and I think I've been pretty good with Austin. Only getting really mad when the situation warrants it (hello sharpie on the cupboards)and showering him with lots of kisses, cuddles and tickles. There is lots of laughter in this house and I can't even begin to tell you just how amazing it is to hear his non stop giggles mixed in with him telling his stories.
We are awesome and tomorrow night my amazing and wonderful husband will be home for 4 days of fun and laughter and joy. Joy in our awesome little family. Joy in knowing the future won't always be as hard as it's been but we're way better off after getting through the tough times together.
I am also extremely thankful to my husband for having the strength to work away from home to provide us things, food, housing, etc.
This is not a post about him not being here. It's about doing my best while he's gone.
Last year as some of you faithful readers may have read last month I finally went to the dr about my depression. Before that, there were definite bad days with Austin and me feeling like crap and I was full of resentment and anger. I would be mad at him for no reason. Then I started taking my meds, my husband was home working and everything seemed fine.
Then he couldn't get a job. We made the decision to move to Alberta. He would go and I would stay, sell the house, tie up the loose ends, try to stay in one piece.
Let me tell you, I was terrified. I was so worried that I would have those bad days again, take it out on Austin, and Dave wouldn't be there to stop me. I didn't realize just how bad I was until I went on my meds and I decided I didn't want to be like that again. With Dave leaving I was afraid. I started to tell family, reaching out for help. Family knowing that if I called in a panic it was ok, I just needed help.
Thankfully, it was ok. We fell into a routine of getting out of the house every day to stop me from going insane. Even if we only got out for an hour, we were out of the house. I was getting better, and even though there were a few sad days thinking ahead to not being around my friends and family, everything was ok. I was more patient with Austin. (Note I'm not saying completely patient, he was almost 2, there are some days you just want to pull your hair out)
Then we moved. I had a plan. I had joined a meetup group. I was going to get out everyday and just try to pass the days until Dave was home again. No problem. Until Dave got laid off. He was home for 2 1/2 months.
He was helping me for 2 1/2 months. cooking, cleaning, sanity saving. When he had a job for the one week I will admit, I was kind of a mess. There were a few days I just brought toys into our bedroom between meals and just laid in bed sad while Austin played on the floor. Dishes piled up. everything was a mess. When Dave did come home, I could tell he was upset with me.
When Dave got another job, I was worried. I didn't want Austin to miss out on fun and getting out of the house. I was worried because for 2 1/2 months I didn't have to do everything on my own. I had help. But now I was all alone again.
Let me tell you. It's been all right. We've been doing amazing. We've had days of lounge around in pj's all day, but we've been playing and tickling and racing cars while in our pj's. Dave gets home tomorrow night. He has been gone for a month. It doesn't seem like a month. We've been doing mall walking at random malls, taking random driving trips around Edmonton, and going to indoor play places.
We have been a-ok and I think I've been pretty good with Austin. Only getting really mad when the situation warrants it (hello sharpie on the cupboards)and showering him with lots of kisses, cuddles and tickles. There is lots of laughter in this house and I can't even begin to tell you just how amazing it is to hear his non stop giggles mixed in with him telling his stories.
We are awesome and tomorrow night my amazing and wonderful husband will be home for 4 days of fun and laughter and joy. Joy in our awesome little family. Joy in knowing the future won't always be as hard as it's been but we're way better off after getting through the tough times together.
Friday, February 18, 2011
The weekend!
Here are our plans for the weekend. Tonight mom gets in at 6:53 now (flight was delayed from 6:07) and we are headed for dinner. We're going to hit up Bourbon street at the West Edmonton mall. I figure I will let mom choose where we have dinner. Then a very exciting tripto walmart to get diapers since they are on sale today. (and I only have about 4 left)
Today I went to the mall and picked us up passes. On the weekends it's $36 per person for the water park, $36 per person for a pass to the amusement park, more for the sea lion show, etc etc. The mall happens to have their family pack of 3 month passes on sale. It works out to $56 per person if you buy a 3 month pass. So, I went today and got a pass. Since Austin is under 3 he is free for almost everything. I got myself and Dave a pass, a pass for my mom, and our friend Lindsay said she would buy the 4th pass. Now, me and Austin can go to the mall and do any attraction for free!! (since this weekend will more then pay for the pass) we could go every day if we want. In one day we can get a pass to the water park, the amusement park (except the play are, just the rides) a round of mini golf at professor wem's golf, a round of mini golf at the other mini golf place, 2 games of bowling and shoe rental, billiards (over 18), the sea lion show, passes to sea live cavern (the aquarium) and a ride on the bumper boats if you're over 3. That's a whole freaking lot to do every day!! I think I know where Austin and I will be living for the next 3 months. Even if we do only one thing a day that's still enough to entertain us for the next 3 months.
Wow, kind of got off topic there! Haha! So Saturday we are headed to the mall. We're goingto do whatever we want since we have the passes.
Sunday we are going to do the drive to Jasper. It's supposed to be 0 degrees, which for feb is pretty nice, so we're going to go and enjoy ourselves and check out some mountains.
Monday morning we are going to head back to the mall and do more if we want until it's time to take mom back to the airport :(
I'm sure at the end of this weekend I will have lots of pictures! Hope everyone has a great weekend, enjoy family day if you have it!
Today I went to the mall and picked us up passes. On the weekends it's $36 per person for the water park, $36 per person for a pass to the amusement park, more for the sea lion show, etc etc. The mall happens to have their family pack of 3 month passes on sale. It works out to $56 per person if you buy a 3 month pass. So, I went today and got a pass. Since Austin is under 3 he is free for almost everything. I got myself and Dave a pass, a pass for my mom, and our friend Lindsay said she would buy the 4th pass. Now, me and Austin can go to the mall and do any attraction for free!! (since this weekend will more then pay for the pass) we could go every day if we want. In one day we can get a pass to the water park, the amusement park (except the play are, just the rides) a round of mini golf at professor wem's golf, a round of mini golf at the other mini golf place, 2 games of bowling and shoe rental, billiards (over 18), the sea lion show, passes to sea live cavern (the aquarium) and a ride on the bumper boats if you're over 3. That's a whole freaking lot to do every day!! I think I know where Austin and I will be living for the next 3 months. Even if we do only one thing a day that's still enough to entertain us for the next 3 months.
Wow, kind of got off topic there! Haha! So Saturday we are headed to the mall. We're goingto do whatever we want since we have the passes.
Sunday we are going to do the drive to Jasper. It's supposed to be 0 degrees, which for feb is pretty nice, so we're going to go and enjoy ourselves and check out some mountains.
Monday morning we are going to head back to the mall and do more if we want until it's time to take mom back to the airport :(
I'm sure at the end of this weekend I will have lots of pictures! Hope everyone has a great weekend, enjoy family day if you have it!
Thursday, February 17, 2011
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