Friday, January 25, 2013

Dear Husband

Your baby? Is a one woman effing comedy act. Sigh.

So, she loves getting up at night and thinking "woo! I'm done my nap! let's go!" But, it's the middle of the night and I don't think the same.

Today, Dave's dad flew in from Ontario for a visit. So I thought maybe I would try to calm her down and get her back to sleep right away instead of letting her fuss for a few minutes.

So, bedtime went fantastic. Like normal, come 11ish, she starts fussing. I give her a bottle, she's back asleep. Then? Then, 11:30 hit. She started crying. I went in to calm her down. She calmed down, I left the room to wash out her poo-splosion clothes from today, she cries again. I go back in. Calm her down, and think. I'm going to sit down and in the rocker quietly and watch and see what she is doing.

Turns out, she's not crying so much for me.


I just sat there wishing I had taken the video camera in with me.

So, I sit and watch and think. My daughter is an effing comedian. Except this isn't funny. I want to go to sleep. But it is kind of funny.

Let me set the scene: her lulaby panda is emitting an orange light. Her Fisher Price aquarium is going on the whooshing sound of the ocean setting, casting a blue light on her crib. (This is why she can't really tell I'm still there but I can see her.)

She thinks I'm gone. I hear the crinkle of her crib as she rolls to one side, rolls to the other, rolls again. Then, pop! Up comes her head. She has a soother in one hand. A second soother in the other. I imagine this is dialogue going on in her head based on her face.

"oh, Hi soother, how you doin?"
"oooh look, my other soother!"
"Soother A, get in my mouth."
"oh hell soother B, you get in there too."
"What do you mean you both don't fit. Fine. I'll take turns"
"soother A, your turn."
"Switch time! Soother B, your turn."
"oh soother A, you're so funny."
(BTW, I totally had this image)

"Switch, switch, switch, Squee!! look a fishie in the Aquarium!"
"Soother B, lets go look. Isn't it so pretty?"
Then, she accidentally hits the button shutting the aquarium off, sending her into a panic, dropping soother I-can't-see-anymore, causing her to cry.

See, she doesn't want me. So, Fisher Price must have known this moment would happen..... so I grabbed the remote off the door handle and turned aquarium back on. Walk over to her crib, lay her down, give her her blanket and soother and pretend to leave the room again. Sit back down.

Roll, roll, roll, pop! up comes her head. But this time she rolled her blanket onto her head. She doesn't like things on her head. She can't get it off. She's pulling the blanket but it's the wrong way, she's just pulling more blanket onto her. Then she's flailing all around trying to get the damn blanket off. Finally she does.

"oh hello again soother. I missed you so. It went dark then I lost you. Were you scared?"
"look, other soother is here to visit again!"
***Repeat convo above about only one soother fitting in her mouth and taking turns....***
"Hey soother, let's pretend we're in the movies! I'll stand up and dangle you over the edge of the crib, see if it's funny"
Obviously soother agreed because that's just what she did. Then, just like dejavu, a little squeel as she looks at the aquarium and steps over to it. Shuts it off by mistake. Turns it back on. Shuts it off, turns it on. The look on her face is one of "OmgWtfBbq" Shuts it off, takes soother and soother and lays down. I wait for her to be quiet for a few min before I sneak out.

I was in there for an hour. Holy moley. And the whole time thinking this is freaking hilarious. Or do I find it funny because I'm so tired? Or am I just so delusional I think this funny?

And obviously I think it's pretty funny since I just stayed awake an extra 20 min to type it all up. But seriously. One woman comedy show that one is.

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