Another update on my meds

I am feeling better. The odd time I'll get a bit of a light headed spells.

Last time I tried go down in my meds I got irritated and cranky. It was not a pretty sight in this house.

I can feel myself getting cranky. Hell I got pissed at my husband this morning and he's not even here!! I just need to remember to sit down and give myself some time to calm down. I need to remind myself that I'm just getting cranky because of my pills.

This is going to be a long week. Ugh

Meds suck.

More specifically being weaned off meds suck. Due to some issues with my meds I'm being switched.

Now, when my dr first started me on the anti depressants I just started to take them. On one hand I've heard through a few different friends that the ones I'm taking (effexor) is the best they've ever had, works really well. On the other hand I've heard through a few other people that it's the worst meds to try and wean off of.

We had to do a rather quick switch and let me tell you, my body is not appreciating it. Yesterday was the first full day of the switch. If I moved too quickly I would get dizzy and a little light headed. Other then that I was good.

Today? Today is a shit show. Walking has proven difficult. I am dizzy, light headed, and nauseous. I can't move my head without having to stop and take a few breaths. I am beyond thankful that dave and his dad are here. There is no way I would be able to care for austin. I've napped more then I would like to today, simply because I don't feel dizzy then.

There is a small part of me that is thinking maybe the dr went about this wrong. I think the transition from one to the other should have taken more time. My dr (I should note a different one then originally prescribed me the pills) has me off the old pills already. A 2 day wean.

Shoot me.

I don't ever want to go through this again. I feel like I am in a hell composed of a non stop spinning carnival ride. You know, the ride that you stand against the wall and it spins and spins and spins and you slowly creep up the wall. (Omg just typing that made me almost throw up!! This sucks)

I can't wait for the follow up appt where I can tell the dr just how much I appreciate this trip.

The best news out of this? My in laws are here for 3 weeks so if this lasts more then the next few days I have some help. Thank goodness!

Breaking

I am getting payback I think. Payback for having an awesome baby who was content and would sleep. Hell, even for the fact that while Austin knew the word no, he rarely used it. It's payback for sure.

His new favorite word is No! closely followed by nuh-uh, and nope. All the damn time. I'm trying to let him express himself and learn his boundaries, but that damn no is driving me insane.

No is one of the things that is starting to break me. I'm going to be honest here. It's sure not easy. With the constant no's, and dealing with stupid people and our garbage bins, then the added stress of being 2 parents while my husband is gone. Yeah, I'm starting to break.

As a bonus, I'm in the middle of lowering the dosage on my meds. Not sure that's helping much.

Don't get me wrong, I've been feeling pretty good actually. I've had some frustrations but I've been keeping myself busy and enjoying myself. However the last few days have just felt like a never ending boring loop of frustrations with my son.

Tonight I called my husband and bawled on the phone. I just needed to get it out, stop penting it up! I actually feel much better now, maybe a bit drained from being tired and crying. It is hard. Anyone who is in this situation who says it's not hard might just be on much stronger meds then I have. Some days I just need a little bit of help. Sadly, there isn't much here for help for me.

I am so looking forward to my upcoming trip back to Ontario. A few weeks with friends and family. Plus, to any family from there if you want to take Austin for a day or a weekend or right about now a week or 2, you are more then welcome to. haha!! It's been a long few weeks for us that's for sure.

So, like I said, I am breaking but I know what I need to do put the pieces back together for a way more awesome me.

This month.

I am a pretty tough cookie. I can put up with a lot of crap. I can turn my back and let the shat bounce off my back. I can remain calm during temper tantrums and sass.

I am also extremely thankful to my husband for having the strength to work away from home to provide us things, food, housing, etc.

This is not a post about him not being here. It's about doing my best while he's gone.

Last year as some of you faithful readers may have read last month I finally went to the dr about my depression. Before that, there were definite bad days with Austin and me feeling like crap and I was full of resentment and anger. I would be mad at him for no reason. Then I started taking my meds, my husband was home working and everything seemed fine.

Then he couldn't get a job. We made the decision to move to Alberta. He would go and I would stay, sell the house, tie up the loose ends, try to stay in one piece.

Let me tell you, I was terrified. I was so worried that I would have those bad days again, take it out on Austin, and Dave wouldn't be there to stop me. I didn't realize just how bad I was until I went on my meds and I decided I didn't want to be like that again. With Dave leaving I was afraid. I started to tell family, reaching out for help. Family knowing that if I called in a panic it was ok, I just needed help.

Thankfully, it was ok. We fell into a routine of getting out of the house every day to stop me from going insane. Even if we only got out for an hour, we were out of the house. I was getting better, and even though there were a few sad days thinking ahead to not being around my friends and family, everything was ok. I was more patient with Austin. (Note I'm not saying completely patient, he was almost 2, there are some days you just want to pull your hair out)

Then we moved. I had a plan. I had joined a meetup group. I was going to get out everyday and just try to pass the days until Dave was home again. No problem. Until Dave got laid off. He was home for 2 1/2 months.

He was helping me for 2 1/2 months. cooking, cleaning, sanity saving. When he had a job for the one week I will admit, I was kind of a mess. There were a few days I just brought toys into our bedroom between meals and just laid in bed sad while Austin played on the floor. Dishes piled up. everything was a mess. When Dave did come home, I could tell he was upset with me.

When Dave got another job, I was worried. I didn't want Austin to miss out on fun and getting out of the house. I was worried because for 2 1/2 months I didn't have to do everything on my own. I had help. But now I was all alone again.

Let me tell you. It's been all right. We've been doing amazing. We've had days of lounge around in pj's all day, but we've been playing and tickling and racing cars while in our pj's. Dave gets home tomorrow night. He has been gone for a month. It doesn't seem like a month. We've been doing mall walking at random malls, taking random driving trips around Edmonton, and going to indoor play places.

We have been a-ok and I think I've been pretty good with Austin. Only getting really mad when the situation warrants it (hello sharpie on the cupboards)and showering him with lots of kisses, cuddles and tickles. There is lots of laughter in this house and I can't even begin to tell you just how amazing it is to hear his non stop giggles mixed in with him telling his stories.

We are awesome and tomorrow night my amazing and wonderful husband will be home for 4 days of fun and laughter and joy. Joy in our awesome little family. Joy in knowing the future won't always be as hard as it's been but we're way better off after getting through the tough times together.

A bit of insight to me

How to start this post... I've been sitting here trying to figure out how to start this. I've been wanting to write this and get it out for a while. I guess the best way to start is...

My name is Kristin, and I've been dealing with depression. I really don't think that it is Post Partum Depression, even though I finally got to my breaking point where I got myself help after having Austin. I'm pretty sure I've been fighting the internal battle for years. While packing up our house I came across my diary from back in College. There were some things I wrote in there that I was feeling before I went to my dr. It was then that I realized that I have been fighting with Depression for years.

I have been doing much better, suprisingly much better then I expected. I honestly thought that this move to Alberta would have affected me much more. I have been feeling ok. I've been trying to take my medications every day, but honestly I haven't been remembering. I've still been ok.... Mostly. One day last week kicked my ass. I felt very down and didn't have any oomph or fight in me. Austin was lacking a nap and was cranky and I got really upset with him. He didn't do it on purpose but I felt like he was being cranky to get to me. I yelled, and to be honest, I wasn't proud. I told my husband and cried. I felt like a giant jerk. Thankfully those days have been further and further apart since starting my medication but that doesn't make it any easier when they do happen. I just want to crawl into bed and avoid everyone because I know that I get upset and say things I don't mean. But I soldier on.

Through all of this though have been 2 major people of support. My husband Dave and my friend Devon. When I would get frustrated and upset and told Devon about my feelings she was the one who talked to me about Depression and pushed me to talk to my dr. She was there for me every step of the way. She also knew that I was pretty likely to back out of my appt so she drove me (and bribed me with ice cream after :p) and made sure I was ok with everything. With my husband being gone I did turn to Devon quite a bit and she helped me a lot. More then I could even begin to explain.

My husband has been amazing as well. There have been so many times before and when I was first starting my medication that I would just fall apart and cry. My husband would sit beside me on the floor giving me kleenex and just be there. I would be a bubbling random "I don't know why i'm crying" mess and he would just sit and be there for me. I knew that we wouldn't be able to live apart anymore. He is a huge support for me and him not being there and me being alone with Austin was just too much for me. With him being gone for the past 16 months we definately had some issues that caused strain on our marriage. I knew we couldn't continue like that.

It definitely is a shock being in a new province, city, and even house without any friends, family or the other half of my support system but this is what needed to be done. It's also been great to have my husband here with me for the past few months, but on the other hand it's very stressful to be worrying about jobs and money. I don't even want to get into the stress from this house. My big 'dream' when planning our move was being able to re-decorate. My house is Taupe. A light taupe and a slightly darker taupe. I am itching to paint and decorate. But I can't. We pretty much need to take all the walls down to re-insulate. I have frost and ice on the INSIDE of my bedroom wall. Our roof leaked this week so the extension needs to be re-roofed, and hey, while we're at it we may as well put some heat in there, because that's right. there is none. No vents, nothing. So... no re-decorating for me until the warmer weather is here and we have some money.

Most of this post has been written bit by bit. I will admit that now I am starting to get worse. I am crying more for no reason, and I have also been making sure to take my pills everyday. I am worried and stressed. I'm not working and as much as I would love to get a job (believe me, I've been applying) I can't just go and apply at the local fast food restaurant. With Dave home that is fine, I can work whatever. But what happens if he gets a camp job and is gone for a few months? We don't have anyone here who can watch Austin during the evenings or on weekends when daycares are closed. Not too many places want to hire someone with such limited availability. As it is he is gone to Fort Mac for work. If I was working and had to work this weekend, where would I be? It was stressful enough to arrange care for Austin with 3 sets of parents and many willing family members close by. Not having anyone here, well, I really don't think I could do it.

I just need to focus on the bright side of things and know that I have people who love and care for me. I have a roof over my head and a furnace that graciously runs non stop to keep us from freezing to death in our house. (I won't say keeps the house hot, because most days you need a sweater in here.) I have the most adorable little boy who is a little mischief maker but melts your heart and makes you giggle while he's at it. I have my husband who knows when to give me my space and just listen to me cry, or let me yell and be cranky at him. I just need to remember all these things and try to keep my head above the water. I'm hoping anyone who reads this will help me remember that.

My name is Kristin and I am dealing with depression. I am trying to kick it's ass before it kicks mine. Thanks for listening.